


Things Left Unsaid

by BrassGoggles



Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Other, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-29 09:24:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19827214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BrassGoggles/pseuds/BrassGoggles
Summary: The Apprentice's last big fight with Asra.





	Things Left Unsaid

“You should go home, get some rest,” comes a tired voice behind me. I jolt upright, disoriented. I must have dozed off accidently. The cauldron beside me has long finished bubbling, and my stomach twists in disappointment when I see the muddy gray sludge that my experiment has become. Another failure, it seems. I glare accusingly at my ruined experiment, giving it a mental curse.

Sighing, I turn away from the offending sludge and begin jotting down the results in a nearby notebook. Failure or not, I need to write it down to make sure I won’t make the same mistake twice. Halfway through, it occurs to me that I’m not sure if this notebook is actually one of mine, but right now I’m too tired to care. I’ll make sure to get better documentation in the morning. When I’m finished, I stretch and twist around in my seat to address my companion.

“I guess you’re right,” I concede. “It doesn’t look like I’m getting anything productive done tonight.” Julian doesn’t look to be in any better shape than I am. “You should probably get some sleep too, Doctor.”

He waves away my suggestion with his hand before going back to scribbling in his notes. “I’ll be fine. I don’t need much sleep,” he insists. He looks up briefly to flash me what is probably supposed to be a reassuring smile, but it only serves to make him look more tired.

I shake my head, but don’t press the issue. Julian’s already turned his attention back to his notes, anyway. We’ve both been working practically around the clock lately. The plague is spreading faster and faster every day, while our progress towards a cure seems to be slowing. None of the other teams seem to be fairing any better, either. We’re all painfully aware of how quickly Vesuvia is running out of time, but so far, we haven’t been able to find anything we can do about it. It’s frustrating, to say the least. Terrifying, if I’m being honest with myself.

I begin to gather my things, stuffing my notebooks haphazardly into my satchel. I leave the cauldron where it is; another thing for me to take care of tomorrow. I tuck my unused spell ingredients into my bag as well, handling them a bit more gently. The last thing I want to deal with is an accidental spell firing off on my way home.

Julian works in silence as I move about the room, a testament to how exhausted he must be. I’ve gotten used to hearing him mutter to himself as he writes down theories or sketches out ideas. Occasionally throughout the day he’ll call me over to discuss his latest idea for a treatment or medical invention. Although most of the time that happens, I don’t actually get to say much before he’s already ruled it out as a possibility. I don’t really mind; he lets me do the same with my ideas for magic experiments. Lately, though, such sessions are fewer and farther between. I think we’re both quietly beginning to wonder if there even _is_ a cure. Not that either one of us would ever dare suggest that out loud.

My stuff all gathered and my workstation as clean as it’s going to get for tonight, I shoulder my bag, casting a final glance around the room to make sure I haven’t forgotten anything. Stifling a yawn, I turn back to Julian. “Well, that’s it for me. I’ve got a shift at the Lazaret tomorrow, but I should be back by the evening. I’ll see you then.”

“Alright, but don’t push yourself,” he replies, looking up from his work once more. “If you’re too tired after your shift, feel free to take the night off.”

“Only if you do.”

“Ah, touché,” he concedes with another tired half-smile. We’re both well aware that neither one of us is going to be taking any time off until things start looking better. Hasn’t stopped us from trying to convince one another to do so, though.

I return his smile, calling out a final “Good night, Julian,” as I leave. I hear him return my farewell as the door swings shut.

* * *

The lantern outside the shop window is still lit when I finally arrive home. It surprises me; I thought Asra had planned to already be gone by now. Then again, it wouldn’t be the first time he had forgotten to extinguish it in his haste to leave. At least if he _is_ still here, I’ll get a chance to see him off. Lately, his journeys are becoming longer and longer, not to mention more frequent. I can’t really blame him, though; half of the time I’m tempted to leave, too. But I still miss having him around more often.

I snap my fingers, sending a bit of my magic to snuff out the lantern while I dig through my bag for my key. I feel a weight lift off my shoulders as I step through the door, relieved to finally be home. I’m taken by surprise when a literal weight drops onto me from above, making me stumble. Cool scales curl loosely around my neck, and I relax.

_“Surprise!”_ cries my new scarf gleefully, startling a laugh from me as she squirms around to bump her nose to mine.

“Well, hello to you too,” I greet, reaching up to scratch underneath her chin. Faust closes her eyes, sending me a wave of wordless satisfaction. “You’re a lovely surprise; I figured you and Asra would be gone already.”

“What, and leave without saying goodbye?” comes Asra’s voice, and I turn in time to see him coming down the stairs.

“Well, it wouldn’t be the first time,” I point out. He sweeps me into a hug, his familiar warmth and scent instantly comforting me. I return the embrace, nuzzling into his neck and relaxing further in his arms. I feel as much as hear his hum of acknowledgement.

“Fair enough. But the store was semi-busy today, so Faust and I figured we should stick around.” I’m pleasantly surprised by the news; business has been pretty slow lately, for obvious reasons. Asra pulls back far enough to rest his forehead against mine. His brow furrows as he studies my face. “You look tired.”

“Seems like you’re always saying that,” I tease, although it’s not far from the truth. The last few weeks have started weighing heavily on me; I _am_ tired almost all of the time. It’s no surprise Asra’s picked up on it.

“You shouldn’t stay out so late,” he suggests gently. I grunt in agreement, although we both know I’m not likely to actually follow that bit of advice.

“I know, I know. I actually meant to come home earlier today, but I got an idea at the last minute and wanted to test it out.”   
“Oh? How’d it go?” I drop my head, burying it in Asra’s shoulder before letting out a long groan. He sighs. “That bad, huh?”

“Worse,” I mumble into his shoulder. “It didn’t work, which means I wasted an entire phoenix feather _and_ half of my supply of magicbane, not to mention more than three hours of work. Plus, I fell asleep before it even finished, so I’m not even sure exactly when it went wrong, or why.” A thought occurs to me, and I jerk upright, horrified. “Oh, gods, that means I might have to do it all over again just to figure out what happened! Aagh, I’m such an idiot! Why couldn’t I have just – “

Asra’s lips suddenly find mine, interrupting my tirade. I blink, momentarily caught off guard, but quickly find myself melting into the kiss. His hand comes up to caress my cheek, drawing a sigh from my lips. When we pull apart, I’m much calmer than I was a few moments ago.

“Better?” Asra asks, giving me a mischievous grin. I nod sheepishly, and he gives me another quick kiss, this time on the cheek. “Good. No point in worrying about that anymore tonight. It’s not like you can do anything about it right now.”

“Well, I could maybe – “

“Nope!” Asra says hastily, wrapping an arm around my waist and herding me towards the stairs. “No more plague talk for you; it’s time for bed.”

“But if I could just – “

_“Friend needs sleep!”_ Faust interrupts me this time, giving my shoulders a final squeeze before sliding across to Asra’s. She flicks her tongue at me before disappearing into his clothes.

“See?” Asra says, a note of triumph in his voice as he leads me up the stairs. “Faust agrees, which means you can’t say no.”

I sigh dramatically, but relent. “Oh, alright. I guess it can wait until morning.”

Asra hums in agreement, directing me towards our bedroom. Then he pauses, turning to me. “Wait, did you ever eat anything?”

I hesitate, but answer “Yes.” It’s not _exactly_ a lie; I did stop for a brief lunch this afternoon. He doesn’t need to know that that’s the only meal I’ve had today.

Asra narrows his eyes at me dubiously. I don’t really feel up to a lecture, so I close my eyes, pretending to sway on my feet. “Mmm, I’m suddenly feeling so, _so_ sleepy,” I mumble, letting myself yawn for good measure. I drop my head onto his shoulder, pretending to snore.

Asra chuckles, shaking his head. “Alright, to bed then. But I’m not letting you leave tomorrow without having breakfast first.” I mumble noncommittally, but thankfully Asra lets the matter drop anyway.

We stumble into bed together, falling into our nest of pillows and blankets. I pull Asra close, planting a kiss in his soft hair before tucking his head beneath my chin. He snuggles closer, and I feel all of my remaining tension melt away. Faust wriggles out from under Asra’s shirt, stretching out across us both and promptly falling asleep.

Asra’s out just as quickly, and I smile as my own eyes slip closed. Moments like this, I can almost forget about the world outside our door. There’s no death, no plague, no endless search for a cure. Just Asra, Faust, and me, warm and safe and together.

_I should tell him._ It’s not the first time the thought’s crossed my mind, but I’ve never been brave enough to act on it. I know, without a doubt, that Asra cares for me, just as I care for him. But we’ve never… that is, _I’ve_ never told him exactly how much he means to me. Not out loud. I’ve practiced saying it a hundred different times in my head, of course, in a hundred different ways.

How would he react if I told him for real? Would he say it back? I think maybe he would, but… what if I’m wrong? I’ve never been much of a gambler; I don’t want to risk losing what we have now by telling him, not if he doesn’t feel the same way.

So I say the words in my mind instead, planting a final kiss to the top of his head. _I love you, Asra._ It’s the last coherent thought I manage before sleep finally claims me.

* * *

In the morning, I drag myself out of my nightmares, blinking blearily as I try to reorient myself to the real world. The dreams have become a permanent fixture of my nights ever since my first visit to the Lazaret. Thankfully, they weren’t too bad this time. Or perhaps I’ve just gotten used to them by now.

Asra’s still asleep, his arm wrapped loosely around me from behind. I lie in bed for a minute longer, letting the sound of his steady breathing calm my nerves. Then I gently disentangle myself from his hold, careful not to disturb him. He mutters something in his sleep, but otherwise doesn’t stir as I get dressed for the day and slip from the room.

I pad into the kitchen, where I find Faust already awake, basking in one of her favorite sunny spots. She lifts her head when I enter, waving her tail in greeting.

“Good morning,” I respond softly. I give her head a couple of strokes on my way to grab the kettle. She lies back down when I move on, content. I fill the kettle and place it on the stove, then crouch down to peer in at our stove salamander. He’s already awake, too, luckily for me.

“Hey, buddy,” I say, carefully holding out a chip of charcoal to him. “Think you could light a fire for me?” He takes the chip from my fingers, glowing tongue flicking out to swallow it whole before skittering back farther into his woodpile. His skin glows brighter, and soon enough the stove’s fire is lit. “Thank you!” I say, standing up and brushing my hands off on my pants.

As I wait for the tea to be ready, I begin planning out my day in my head. I have a few hours before my Lazaret shift, plenty of time to go back over my notes from last night’s experiment. With a little luck, I’ll be able to pinpoint the most likely cause for its failure without having to redo the entire thing. Hopefully.

Tea done, I pour myself a cup and sip it slowly, allowing myself a few more moments of peace and quiet. Then I refill my cup, leaving the rest to warm on the stove for when Asra wakes. Grabbing my bag from where I had left it on the floor last night, I shoulder it and make my way towards the stairs. Remembering Asra’s insistence that I eat something last night, I swipe a pear before heading down, munching on it as I go.

Downstairs, I pick a spot on the floor and sit down. I empty my bag, spreading out my notes and ingredients in a half-circle around me. I find the brief entry I made last night and get to work, clarifying and expanding on it using observations from my other notebooks.

I’m not sure how much time passes before Asra joins me, Faust wrapped around his shoulders. In fact, I’m so absorbed in my work that I don’t even notice them until Asra sits down behind me, wrapping his arms around my middle and resting his chin on my shoulder. It makes me jump slightly, and I turn to give him a playful glare when I hear him laugh.

“Hey there.”

“You shouldn’t sneak up on people; it’s impolite,” I admonish, before sticking out my tongue.

“Who’s sneaking?” he asks, his eyes still laughing. “Not my fault you weren’t paying attention.”

I humph, but plant a soft kiss to his lips before turning back to my notes. So far, I’ve managed to identify the three most likely culprits for last night’s failure. Narrowing it down from here shouldn’t be too tricky.

“I took a peek outside earlier,” Asra says. “Seems like it’ll be a good day for traveling.”

“Are you leaving today, then?” I ask distractedly, flipping through a notebook and stopping when I find the passage I’m looking for. Hah! Only two possibilities left now.

“That’s the plan,” he says after a moment. I hear the slight hesitation in his voice, but decide not to ask about it. I figure he’ll tell me what it meant if he wants to.

Instead, he falls silent, watching me work over my shoulder. I return my full attention to my notes, my confidence boosted now that I’m so close to the answer I’m looking for. We stay like that for some time, quietly enjoying each other’s company.

“You know, I’ve been thinking,” Asra finally says, breaking the silence just when I had begun to think he was dozing off again.

“Always dangerous, coming from you,” I tease, and am rewarded with a playful kiss to my temple.

“Very funny. Anyway, I was going to say, why don’t you come with me this time?” Caught off guard, I turn my head to look back at him. His expression and tone are deceptively neutral, but in his eyes, I can see a glimmer of something intense. A spark of excitement, maybe. Or is it apprehension? “It’s been far too long since we’ve had a real adventure together.”

_“Come with!”_ Faust chimes in, stretching forward to boop her nose against my cheek. I kiss her back out of habit, then give them both a bemused smile before turning back to my notes.

“Obviously I’d love nothing more, but you know I can’t just up and leave.”

“Why not?” Asra presses. His arms tighten around me slightly, hugging me closer and distracting me momentarily. “We could leave now; be miles from the city before anyone even realized you were missing.”

“Oh yes, I’m sure that would go over _really_ well with my supervisor when I got back,” I mumble, trying to refocus. Am I missing a page of notes? I thought I remembered copying down an excerpt about dragon’s breath earlier….

“So let’s not come back.” Intent on my task, I almost miss the half-whispered words. Once they do register, it takes me another moment to process what Asra means. As soon as I do, I forget my notes and turn around to face him fully.

“What do you mean, not come back?” I ask, confused. “I can’t just- “

“Please, just hear me out,” Asra interrupts. I fall silent, frowning at him. As he speaks, he slides his grip from around my waist, down my arms to take my hands in his. His voice takes on an urgent tone. “You’ve been working on this plague cure for months now, and so far, nothing’s come of it. Meanwhile, half of the city has died around us, while most of the survivors have evacuated already. Don’t you think it’s time to do the same?”

He falls silent, waiting for my response. This must be the real reason why he didn’t leave yesterday; he’d already decided on asking me to come along. But I’m not quite sure how to answer. Faust wraps herself around our joined hands, binding us together while I mull over everything Asra’s said.

He’s not wrong; my research and experiments haven’t been making any sort of real progress lately. Neither have Julian’s. And truth be told, the thought _has_ crossed my mind once or twice. It really might be better to just cut my losses and run. But the thought of actually going through with it, just picking up and leaving… abandoning everything I’ve been trying so desperately to save? It doesn’t exactly sit well with me.

Finally, I make up my mind, shaking my head. “No, I can’t,” I say, giving Asra’s hands a gentle squeeze when I notice his face fall. “I can’t give up now, Asra. For all I know, we’re just days away from finding a cure.”

“But for all you know, there’s no cure to find,” he replies, and I flinch. I’ve had the same thought myself, but I’ve always pushed it away immediately. It hurts to hear Asra say it out loud so casually.

Shaking my head again, I disentangle myself from him and Faust, standing up. “You don’t know that,” I say, slightly more sharply than I meant to. “Which means it’s not a good enough reason to stop trying.”

Asra stands as well, frustration flickering across his face. “So, what, you’re content to just hang around here until you die?” I cross my arms.

“I’m not dead yet.”

“No, but at this rate, you’re killing yourself faster than the plague will ever get the chance to,” Asra snaps, running a hand through his messy hair. Faust curls around his shoulders, looking back and forth between us worriedly. “You’re not sleeping, you’re barely eating; how much longer do you seriously think you can keep this up?”

_“Don’t fight,”_ pleads Faust’s tiny voice, but we ignore her, too focused on our rising argument.

“As long as I have to,” I say through gritted teeth. “I don’t see why it’s so hard for you to understand how important this is. People are _dying_ , Asra.”

“Yeah, I’ve noticed,” he retorts, throwing his hands up in irritation. “Which is exactly why we should get out of here! Let someone else help them; it’s not your responsibility.”

“But it is!” My protest comes out louder than I meant it to, and I have to make an effort to keep from shouting my next words. “It’s my responsibility because I’ve _chosen_ to make it mine. Because I can’t just sit around and watch while people I’ve known my whole life are suffering and dying. Not when there’s even the slightest possibility that I could help save them.”

“And I,” Asra says, his voice dangerously quiet compared to mine, “can’t sit around and watch _you_ die.” His voice cracks, and whatever I was about to say next dies in my throat. How am I supposed to respond to _that_? _I should tell him._ No; this isn’t how I want to say it. Not when we’re both so upset. Not when I’m not sure how he’d react.

“Then don’t,” I say instead, the words constricting around my heart like a vise.

“I… what?”

I swallow hard, my throat and chest tight with so many conflicting emotions that I can’t identify them all. “I’ve said from the start that the door would always be open for you, Asra. But that… that goes both ways. You’re free to come whenever you wish, and…,” my voice fails me briefly, and I have to take a deep breath before finishing. “And you’re also free to leave, if that’s what you want. Nothing’s keeping you here.”

Asra stares at me, pain and anger warring on his face, no doubt mirroring my own expression. Seconds tick by, the agonizing silence stretching them into what feels like hours. Faust lashes her tail, distressed, before hiding herself away in Asra’s clothes.

_“Please stop,”_ she whimpers again, making my heart twist painfully in my chest. Asra flinches, lifting a hand to comfort her silently. Finally, he speaks again, unable to meet my eyes.

“Fine. If that’s what you want.”

It’s _not_ what I want; not at all. But I don’t tell him that, turning away instead to hide the tears that sting at the back of my eyes. I uncross my arms, resting my clenched hands on the shop’s counter in front of me and focus on steadying my breathing. After a moment, I hear Asra make his way upstairs, off to gather his things.

I feel Faust’s cool scales brush around my ankles. She climbs her way up to my shoulders, wrapping around to face me. _“Please come?”_ she asks sadly, her nose brushing mine.

“No, Faust,” I whisper, blinking back tears. “I can’t this time.” She doesn’t answer, instead squeezing my shoulders tight and burying her face in my chest. I lift her head back up, giving her a final, gentle kiss. “Take care of him for me, alright?”

She nods. _“Promise.”_ She uncoils herself from around me, slithering back to Asra as he comes back down the stairs, packed and dressed for travel. He picks her up and lets her take her usual spot in his clothes. Then he turns to me, his face unreadable. I’ve never been as good at hiding my emotions, but I do my best to put up a mask of my own.

Asra opens his mouth as if to speak, then hesitates, closing it again. He tries once more with the same result. Then he shakes his head, giving up and heading for the door instead. Suddenly, I can’t bear to see him go.

“Asra…,” I begin, and he stops, looking back. _Tell him tell him tellhim._ But the words die in my throat. Part of me is afraid that if I do say it, it’ll just drive him away faster. But another, deeper part of me fears that he _won’t_ leave if I tell him. That he’ll stay in Vesuvia with me, forced to watch as I either run myself into the ground or wind up catching the plague myself. Or worse still, that _he’s_ the one who’ll catch it if he stays, and I won’t be able to do anything to help him. Just like in some of my more terrifying nightmares.

“Yes?” Asra asks hesitantly when I take too long to continue.

“I… I just….” _Last chance. Tell him._ I sigh, defeated. “I just… hope you find what you’re looking for,” I finish quietly.

A flicker of emotion cracks through his facade, but it’s gone almost instantly. However, his voice is thick when he answers. “Yeah. You too.”

Then he turns on his heel and walks out the door, taking part of my heart with him. Before I know what I’m doing, I’m across the room with my hand on the knob, as if to follow him. Somehow, I manage to stop myself just before opening it. I lean my head against the smooth wood, finally letting my tears fall.

“I love you,” I whisper, but I’m two minutes too late. And somehow, deep down, I know that I’ll never get another chance.


End file.
